Heres whats been going on in this 'my' mind

Lean on me (Things will change)

anattamind — Fri, 13 Jun 2008 12:38:54 +0000

http://www.babulous.com/127439/Lean on me (Things will change)/content.jhtml

‘play for happy’

anattamind — Wed, 20 Feb 2008 14:28:12 +0000

The other day I was at a local faire, a friend and I went to a games stall which was a typical ‘shooting’ type fairground game. The stall had a whole bunch of little dolls and other figures with targets on them. We were given toy guns that shot cork pellets and the lady indicated that the idea was to hit the targets.

I figured a more effective way to hit the targets was to reach with my arm way over the boundary line, thus getting a lot closer to the targets. Unusually the lady who ran the stall didnt really mind, she just laughed (the locals here seem to laugh a lot). Then I aimed carefully and shot and it hit the target! I felt pretty good about that, then I asked the lady, “so… what do I win?”. And she smiles and says, “no no… no win … play for happy .. happy, happy” then she gestures shooting the pellets and laughing.

Ofcourse, I felt pretty darn ripped off! I had paid money to play this game that I couldnt even win anything! but since we’d already paid for it we decided to keep playing anyway (theyd given us heaps of pellets). After a while we both found it really fun, the stall lady was laughing, people nearby were watching and laughing and we were really enjoying just firing at things.

That day I had the chance to play a game without any hope or expectation of getting anything from the way I played, that meant I could realy enjoy the present moments while playing… and it was fun! I feel like sometimes this mind can get so lost in trying to achieve some unimportant outcome (like win the game, impress my friends, whatever) that it cant enjoy the present moment….. better to ‘play for happy’

Social ups and downs

anattamind — Sun, 17 Feb 2008 16:30:08 +0000

Tonight I went to wedding of a local girl who works with me. I noticed how my happiness changed so quickly depending on how people were treating me.

When I came in (I was late) and I came to the table where some of my work mates were but it was full, the mind was a little dissapointed butone guy pointed me to another table with more workmates, that was also full, but then they all squashed up and invited me to join, so I felt glad, felt liked. Then i was sitting there but I didnt realy have much to say to these guys so I just ate, but everyone else was talking with each other, so I was starting to feel a bit of a loser. I went and got some sweets for desert and came back to the table with them, in the local culture everyon eats off everyone elses desert plate, so its more communal and sharing. I came back and put my plate on the table and invited everyone to eat from it, at first others didnt and I realy felt dissapointed, again, feeling I was alone and unloved, then some people started taking food of it and I was happy about that. Then another person I knew came by and I was really happy to see him. I went and talked with him and he was hapy to see me also, this made me feel liked and accepted again. But then at one point everyone decided it was time to go home, (though I hadnt been there long since I was late).

Its funny coz so many of the things that dictated how I felt at each moment were beyond my control and thus werent really a direct reflection of who I was or whether I was ‘cool’ or not. Yet I was always judging my self worth based on these things. Whether there was space on one table or not, whether people felt hungry enough at the time to eat some extra desert from my plate, even the way my friend percievs me; all these things I couldnt completely control, yet they decided my happiness.

Has anyone else noticed things like this? that dictates their happiness, tho they really couldnt control it.

Insight into another life

anattamind — Sun, 17 Feb 2008 12:49:38 +0000

Last night I went to dinner with a really nice girl named Nu, she is a local here, the last few times I had met her at parties and got the feeling she was a real good person to be around, always so bubbly and happy, seemed to always be concerned about how her friends are feeling, and always laughing, dancing and generally having fun. But lat night was the first time we really got to talk and I started asking her about her life, and boy was I suprised. At 10 years old her father left her mother alone with the three children, then in 2003 their house burnt down, and though nobody was hurt her mother was so sad that she ‘got sick’ and then died. Then her sister got married and left her and her brother to live together though the two of them hardly talk to each other, they live in the same house but in seperate parts . At some points it seems she was so poor she could couldnt actually afford to get food. Nowadays she runs a restaurant and works some 50-60 hrs a week to get a fairly meagre salary, she seems to feel like if only she had money things would be better, i dunno, she may be right in this case. Every night she sleeps with the television on because it reminds her of when her mum used to talk to her as she fell asleep.

I then came home to my large house with a big garden, a big fish pond, heaps of friends, 9-5 job which pays enough to eat at the fanciest restaraunts here and not worry about money.

Sometimes I forget about the plight of the local people here, I would say Nu is actually one o the more affluent here, nowadays she can atleast afford to go to a restaraunt once in a while. most people here in the city get paid at the official UN ‘Poverty Line’ of $1USD per day. Outside I think its less.

So i hear its valentines day

anattamind — Thu, 14 Feb 2008 15:16:31 +0000

I learnt this because the street sellers all had red roses on display, in my part of the world thats as far as valentines day goes, or maybe its coz i dont watch television here so i wouldnt know. Still, I remember when I was in a western country vday was a big thing, every medium every where told you you had to be in a relationship with someone, otherwise you just werent worth much. does anyone else get that impression? Personally I dont think being in a relationship is the source of happiness, but if the world makes you unhappy because your not in a relationship, then maybe a relationship would remove that source of unhappiness.

I had a lovely valentines day, today I worked out a way to give electricity to people in very poor villages for a little cheaper than we previously thought. I also had a great chat with an old friend of mine. At the moment this mind is fairly peaceful. How was your valentines day? I hope you were from imposed expectations about how to be.

social ‘networking’

anattamind — Sat, 02 Feb 2008 06:47:45 +0000

Yesterday night was really nice, went to a jazz concert with friends, and met all these new people, but many of them worked in the social development sector, which meant that while talking to them I had in the back of my mind that these people could one day offer me a job, so I think this affected the way I behaved with them, like, I was talking about how my work was and subtly trying to highlight my capabilities. I realize this is valuable in terms of developing a career in helping people but I think in the process I may have forgotten to have metta* for them. I wish I could somehow connect as human beings, and act out of metta, but yet also have in my mind that I should speak in a way that is conducive to my getting towards a good job.

my crappy badminton skills

anattamind — Sat, 02 Feb 2008 06:46:16 +0000

Today I went to what I expected to be a social game of badminton. I turned up late (as usual) and eventually get teamed with my friend Ned (not his real name) against two other guys;

Ned: “you know how to play right?”

Me: “err yeah sure”

Ned: “okay lets do back and forth”

Ned: “you go front and I go back, then we swap”

So anyway, we play like this but I hadn’t played in years and I kept missing the shot, or not knowing where he expected me to be, or not knowing when it was my turn to serve. And everytime I did something like that I he would berate me about what I should have done and then grunt and sigh in frustration.

Looking back this was just the kind of situation which could have created self blame in this mind; that I should be playing better. But in reality, I was putting a genuine effort but I could only really play what I could play, if the effort put didn’t create champion badmintoning then there was nothing else I could do about it, the outcome was truly beyond self control and all I could do was accept that.

Ned eventually got so frustrated that at the end of the game he refused to team with anyone anymore and said he only plays singles, and then he didn’t even do that and eventually just went home. I felt some sympathy for him but there seemed little I could do to help, hence there was no value in there being regret in this mind. I guess there was a little bit of dukkha associated to his behavior but I think far less than there could have been.

Has anyone else been in this type of situation?

A general sense of dissatisfaction

anattamind — Sat, 02 Feb 2008 06:41:31 +0000

This afternoon the mind experienced a general sense of dissatisfaction, couldn’t really attribute it to anything specific, work was okay, not busy but okay, generally have a few nice friends here in laos, and a wonderful bunch back home, but… I dunno.

Anyways, I went for a walk and sat under a tree for a while watching some locals playing soccer, I think I felt a bit better after. At the end of the day one of my co-workers started telling me how he was worried about his grandmother who has some sort of tumour in her stomache, somehow by consoling him i too felt better myself.

Hello world!

anattamind — Sat, 02 Feb 2008 06:23:25 +0000

Welcome all to the site, Im making this site as a place for you all to have a truly honest, open and genuine look at what happens in this mind, my mind…. (‘my’?)

Why?

Well I guess all our minds are pretty similar in a sense, we all have good times and bad times, we all hope for the best , for happiness and want to be away from sadness.

I hope this site will help us all to connect as people, I will write about the difficult times I go through in the hope that it will help others feel less alone in their own difficulties.

We can use this site to talk about such difficulties in a warm and welcoming environment.

Also I will write about the good times I go thru, in the hope of reminding us all that things always change, and how there is always hope.

Would love for you all to comment on anything and tell us about your own experiences and thoughts and feelings. Hope you enjoy!